Hello! My name is Lexi.

I’m honored to get the chance to be featured as a WOTM here on Mamithinks. 

I feel like when asked to write about yourself your first thought is- Ok, that should be easy. No one knows me better than I know myself. Now that I’m here writing about myself I find it harder than I expected.

Who am I? My immediate thought was I’m a wife and a mom. 

I am married to my best friend and we have two incredible daughters Emma and Bella. 

For the beginning of my childhood we lived in South Florida. When I was 11 my parents decided to make a big move to Israel. 

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. It was something that came naturally to me. I grew up in a big family and was always the volunteer babysitter. 

About a year after my husband and I started dating we found out I was pregnant. My husband went into panic mode and understood immediately that he was not ready to be a father. We had just moved in together and were still finding ourselves career wise. 

I on the other hand had very different feelings. I knew as a couple that we were not ready to take such a huge step. Financially and really in any other way. But this was a baby…. After a few difficult days Assaf suggested I get an abortion. I was so against abortion and the combination of hormones and fear just made me break down. I felt so conflicted. I decided to go home for a few days to be with my mother and process my feelings, but I never actually had to make a decision. Honestly, I’ve blocked out so much of this story to protect myself from the pain that I felt.

The day came for my first ultrasound. I was going to have the opportunity to see my little dot growing inside of me. 

We went inside and got all set up. The O.B. started with the sonogram but something wasn’t right. Honestly, it was all a blur from there, but they told me the pregnancy wasn’t viable. Tears started to stream down my face, my heart felt broken. My initial reaction was anger towards myself. I did this. I wasn’t calm, I wasn’t taking care of myself. The doctor explained to me that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and that most women experience at least one miscarriage in their lives. 

I couldn’t hear anything that anyone was saying. It felt like the lights shut off and I was all alone. 

We went to the hospital to have an outpatient procedure to remove the embryo; that was the worst day of my life.

I was given specially prescribed medications to help open my cervix and pass the pregnancy tissue. It felt like a horrible period. I was so aware of all that was happening. I took off a few days from work to recover physically and emotionally. I felt like I was drowning. It hit me so hard. 

When you’re going through something tough it’s often pretty much impossible to see a good outcome. We may feel deep inside that everything happens for a reason and we are never faced with something we cannot handle. Deep in the thick of this nightmare I was not able to see any of that. How was I going to make it out of this ok?

Assaf and I spoke, and he said to me if we were to get pregnant again (by accident) he would never again suggest that I abort. I don’t think he knew what to do to comfort me. What I was feeling just seemed something you cannot understand unless you go through it yourself. 

A year later my period was 9 days late…. 

We found out I was pregnant with our beautiful Emma. 

I was a bartender at the time in a chef restaurant here in Jerusalem. I had done a blood test earlier that day to find out. I was so nervous about what Assaf’s reaction would be. All the memories from the year before started to come up and give me so much anxiety. Assaf found out the results first and called me at work. He told me to open up my medical application that the results are in.

I was pregnant! 

Assaf knew I was so nervous from his thoughts and reaction and he said to me, “It’s ok! You can be happy and excited; we talked about this. If it happened again it must mean it’s meant to be.”